Chris' Blog


WWF Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams
November 18, 2011, 10:27 am
Filed under: Coliseum | Tags: , , , , ,

With the current state of the wrestling business being horrible, now seems like a good time to turn back the clock and enjoy some classic WWF programming. So I finally have all the Coliseum Home Video releases, and there is a lot of them, so I thought I’d recap them. These were a great way to see the main event matches before the days of every regular show on TV featuring them. Back in the 80s the odds of seeing Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Randy Savage, etc on TV was unlikely, and PPV was a rare thing, these tapes were the only way to see the stars. Coliseum released a lot of tapes in the 80s including twenty “Best of the WWF”, specific ones for big names like Savage, Hogan, Andre, Bulldogs, Harts, Jake Roberts, etc and some oddities as well. The first tape is an oddity of it’s own, as it is “Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams”, not sure what we’re going to see on this show, been a long time since I’ve watched this one, so let’s see what Coliseum Video’s first release has to offer.

Box

The box art is great, as it features Captain Lou Albano smashing a wooden chair over the head of one of the Wild Samoans. It even says on the box “The World’s Most Entertaining Sport”, back in the days before “Sports Entertainment”. Love the opening spiel about the history of wrestling, according to Vince McMahon of course. Nice opening video featuring the stars of the mid 80s, Jimmy Snuka, Nikolai Volkoff, Jay Strongbow, Tito Santana, Mike Rotunda, Barry Windham, Bob Orton, Don Muraco, Ken Patera, Paul Orndorff, Greg Valentine, Iron Sheik, Andre the Giant, Kamala and Hulk Hogan. This tape won’t get any ratings, as any matches are just highlights.

Gorilla Monsoon welcomes us to WWF Video Control and says things in the WWF are outrageous. Gorilla says we will get surprises from the stars of the WWF, as Gorilla gets the first blooper of the show. We now get highlights of Andre and Roddy Piper in the Pit.

1. Highlights of a ten man tag team match featuring Andre the Giant versus Don Muraco. Don Muraco falls out of the ring, gets helped back in by Buddy Rose and Ray Stevens, only to run into Andre the Giant’s rear end.

2. Advice to the lovelorn with Freddie Blassie, from an episode of TNT. First question is a wife who says her husband won’t pay attention to her, Blassie says she needs a bath, use deodorant and shave her armpits. Second question again is from a wife, who says after watching wrestling her husband practices holds on her, including the Superfly Splash. Blassie responds that if he doesn’t do it right it could be a catastrophe, as Vince can’t help but laugh. Blassie says his second wife he practiced strangle holds on her all the time, that would never pass censors nowadays. Freddie Blassie was one of a kind, as he keeps cracking up Vince with his comments. Vince tries to get things on track with a third question, from a sixty year old woman, who says she wants to meet a wrestler. Blassie suggests Sgt Slaughter, Tito Santana and Hulk Hogan for her, maybe the Tonga Kid as Vince cuts the segment off.

3. Iron Mike Sharpe facing a jobber, back when Sharpe was a mid-card guy. Sharpe tosses the guy out of the ring, and the jobber loses his toupee!

4. Tiger Chung Lee breaking bricks, again from TNT, as he is unable to break the bricks. Chung Lee tries again and fails, a third try fails, as Vince is losing it and Tiger starts screaming in Korean.

5. Captain Lou Albano on TNT talking about his brain and his IQ. This man was an amazing talker, as he yells at Vince to shut up.

6. Pose Down between Paul Orndorff and Tony Atlas, as we see Vince had a thing for bodybuilders even back then. No wonder he tried the WBF in the nineties, which failed big time. Love the set with all this fancy dinner tables, like we’re in some bar or lounge. We really didn’t need a close up of Paul’s crotch just then, that which has been seen can never be unseen! Paul says he is the winner as Vince gets on stage between the two men, and asks for applause to decide the winner. Polite applause for Orndorff and a rousing ovation for Atlas, as Vince calls him the winner. Paul says it was a quick count, and Tony cuts an unintelligible interview which allows Paul to attack him, and out comes a masked guy to break it up, as they destroy the tables.

7. Iron Sheik hanging out with his camel on TNT, wow, this isn’t racist at all. Sheik calls the camel beautiful and he trains with it and says Hulk Hogan and Slaughter could not survive without water. Vince brings out an expert about the camel, Lord Alfred Hayes, who says the camel stinks. Sheik says more stuff that I can’t figure out, as he is hard to understand even all these years ago. Vince asks the camels name, and Sheik says something in Arabic, and in English it would be Claw. Vince and Alfred crack up, as Alfred is down the southern end of the camel, and says it smells again.

8. Vince McMahon on TNT, in yet another racist segment, as Friday and Blassie bring out a chicken to the set. The call the chicken “The Famous Preforming Chicken”, as Blassie says he only handles the best. Kamala comes out to join Blassie and Friday, Blassie says Kamala needs to be fed as Friday opens the cage and Blassie says Kamala will eat him alive. Kamala is show a little later with feathers in his mouth, classy move.

9. A midget match now, as Danny Carpenter faces the Haiti Kid. Danny bites Haiti Kid’s fingers so Kid bites Danny on the ass. Danny tells the ref, who confronts Haiti Kid. Haiti sweeps Danny’s legs and slingshots him across the ring, Danny lands on the ref and Haiti Kid counts three. Danny raises the referee’s hand, as this match, as usual with midget matches is just comedy. Haiti with a headbutt and covers Danny, Danny kicks out sending Kid into the ref’s arms. The arm drops Kid on the second go around, so Kid kicks the ref in the leg.

10. Polish Polka with Ivan Putski, wow, TNT was one messed up TV show. I need to download some of these shows, this is nuts. Vince is having way too much fun dancing with girls.

11. Hulk Hogan and his python power, as he is making a milkshake with all these pills, yeah. Somehow this just seems wrong beyond belief. Hulk has a handful of pills and says to take them, and nothing can stop you! Vince in a nice pastel pink suit, which Hulk makes fun of. Alfred Hayes doesn’t want to try it, as Vince says it’s not bad, so Alfred takes a taste. Alfred does not enjoy it, as he barfs all over the stage.

12. Captain Lou Albano’s turn for advice for the lovelorn. Vince reads the first letter, from a wife who says he husband refuses to use modern hygiene which makes him stink. Lou says some people are allergic to deodorant and tells her to get some alcohol, olive oil, witch hazel and shaving lotion, shake it up and rub it on to do the job. Albano says he doesn’t smell and showers three or four times a day. Next question, a wife says her husband is obese and asks about a guide for love making for the obese. Albano says he doesn’t like people who are fat and says he’s an optical illusion, Lou says fat is not all bad and the fat women love him. Vince tries to get things on topic with the third letter, a wife who’s husband won’t take off his cowboy boots. Albano says he must have athlete’s feet and those boots must stink and he’s in bad shape.

13. The Wild Samoans teach Vince and Alfred how they cook, as Alfred is holding his nose. Afa throws a giant fish on the table as Vince asks what kind it is, and they say things in Samoan. Afa starts to cut up the fish and pulls out the insides, which they then start to gnaw on. Vince asks Afa to offer some to Alfred Hayes, why must we pick on the poor British guy? They’re pouring Hot Sauce inside the raw fish, as they offer some of whatever is in the pot to Alfred. Alfred takes a taste and makes the most disgusted face. Now everyone is sitting at the talk show set, as Alfred is picking stuff out of the bowl while Vince is trying to stay serious. Afa and Sika are having a feast, while Alfred says it could give someone rabies.

14. The Wild Samoans versus Tony Atlas and Rocky Johnson for the World Tag Team Titles. Tony has the advantage on both Samoans, as all four now in there, and the ref gets knocked down. Albano gets involved, as Afa holds Atlas, Albano swings the chair and nails his man, Afa, accidentally thus giving us our box cover and new tag champions. Over the Lou Albano on TNT as Lou says he is not responsible for them losing the titles, they should have come back from the chair shot and says it was a mistake. Lou says they should be tough enough not to be crybabies.

15. Salvatore Bellomo making pizza on TNT, as we get another fun filled cooking segment. Salvatore hands Alfred a chef’s hat and one for Vince, and Alfred cracks up. Vince says Alfred has powder on his, and it’s not the first time, that could be taken so much worse.

16. Adrian Adonis and Dick Murdoch in Texas, then Dick Murdoch in New York City. Mene Gene finds a woman on the curb, who doesn’t know Adrian. Adrian shakes hands with an old man, calls him Uncle Joe, and introduces Dick and Gene. Now they’re in the Bowery, Adrian is so thin here, as he says he showered under a fire hydrant as a kid. A stray dog comes over to Adrian, who pets him, as Dick calls this a whole new world for him. They wind up at a hotdog cart, as Adrian calls it gourmet cooking.

17. Now it’s a montage of various moves from the WWF Athletes, which is actually a pretty cool little video. Andre, Orndorff, Muraco, Sheik, Bruno, Pedro, Bobby Heenan, etc are all highlighted.

18. Johnny Valiant gives advice to the lovelorn, how many of these did they do? First question is a woman who says after watching the wrestlers her man pales in comparison. Johnny says be satisfied and mind your own business. Question two, a man says he put a mask on his wife and it improved things, Johnny responds by saying nothing wrong with a woman who wears a mask. Third question is from a woman who likes ugly men, and asks for advice on who to be with in WWF. Johnny says Hulk Hogan would be perfect as he is no Brutus Beefcake. Johnny really likes Frank Costanza from Seinfeld, just had to say that. Johnny also recommends Tito Santana, Junkyard Dog or Slaughter. Next question, a woman has a fantasy of being in a twenty men battle royal, holy crap this is tasteless. Johnny says anyone who want to be in a battle royal has a death wish as Johnny tries to keep it clean. Vince says she wants to be with twenty men at one time, I can’t believe this was allowed on TV in 1984, wow!

19. Andre the Giant on TNT, as Vince asks Andre what he thought of Big John Studd. Andre compares his to Sky Low Low, the midget star, and says all his clothes comes from Japan. Andre palms Alfred’s face and Alfred completely disappears, how drunk was Alfred during this show? Andre says he wants to sing now, and sings the fish song.

20. Piper’s Pit with Captain Lou Albano, as Piper asks for Cyndi Lauper. A week later Cyndi on the show, and Albano says he made Cyndi a star. Cyndi says Lou is delusional, as Lou says he wrote her songs and women belong in the kitchen. Cyndi says she doesn’t like that stuff, Lou tells her to shut up and all women are nothing without a man. Piper says Cyndi can’t call Albano a liar and stands over her, as Albano keeps screaming at her. Cyndi finally snaps and attacks both guys, bringing out her boyfriend/manager to break it up.

21. Another montage of moves, including Ray Stevens, Barry Windham, Tony Atlas, Ken Patera, Adrian Adonis, Dick Murdoch, Bruno Sammartino among others.

22. Vince McMahon on the street asking people about who would marry Paul “The Butcher” Vachon. Now over to TNT for the wedding, as all the major heels are invited. Time to open gifts, as Paul opens the first one and it’s from Lou Albano, a box of rubber bands! Another gift from Freddie Blassie, a pair of glasses to point out cheap diamonds. Blassie says Paul has given it to his last five wives and calls Paul a cheapskate. Vince says some people want to make toasts and goes to George Steele, this should be comedy gold. Steele stands up and struggles to speak, finally saying he is the Father in Law, which gets Vince to make an odd face. Vince moves on to Lou Albano, who does a classic comedy line about swallowing the beer. Albano is a classic, as Jesse Ventura says scum rises to the top of the water. Hey look, it’s Sky Low Low! Sky does some bad comedy and Albano screams at him, of course Albano screaming is his normal voice. Vince over with Doctor D, who cuts a profanity filled speech, as only he could do. D says he is hostile and Vince better get away from him now. This is actually a funny little bit, as Albano keeps burping into th microphone angering Alfred Hayes. The bride and groom having their first dance as Albano jumps on stage to sing, like Michael Hayes at Stephanie’s wedding, as Albano showing his belly and threatens to moon Vince. Now the bride is dancing with Sky Low Low, so Albano finds himself a midget to dance with as well. Blassie is in tears laughing at this, Vince says Albano and The Samoans plan to do a song. Lou, the Samoans and Sky Low Low are on stage singing, how drunk was everyone during this? Paul tries to feed the bride the cake, and she says she doesn’t eat cake, Doctor D gets involved and smashes the cake in her face. Vince is beside himself screaming like a twelve year old girl meeting Justin Beiber. This quickly breaks down to a pie fight as Vince tries to keep order, Doctor D slams a pie in Vince’s face. Vince then nails George Steele and the champagne starts spraying all over and chairs are flying, just a typical wrestling wedding! This segment went over fifteen minutes, but never dragged, unlike the current comedy segments, as it was just fun and entertaining stuff.

23. A quick montage of all the funny things said during the video, with a few extra add ons, leads into our closing video. Love the fact that they actually had credits at the end, especially this part “The wrestling matches on this cassette have been edited to maximize their entertainment. Careful preservation of the spirit and integrity of the matches has been maintained.”

Overall this was fun little first attempt at a home video from the WWF, basically just a series of skits and comedy segments, but all of them were good. Seriously can’t find any major fault with a comedy style tape, as the next tape is more match oriented. The whole tape went about an hour and twenty minutes total, and was just a lot of goofy stuff. I recommend the Piper’s Pit with Cyndi Lauper as that was part of the build to the first Wrestlemania, and the wedding was hilarious fun. Coming up next is the first Hulk-a-mania tape, which should be interesting as it covers the first year of Hulk Hogan’s title reign.

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