Chris' Blog


TNA Impact – March 4, 2010

 

After last week’s shocking announcement that both Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair would step in the ring, what will TNA do next? Tonight is the final Thursday night Impact as the Monday Night Wars begin anew next week. TNA goes head to head with the WWE, and in TNA’s first show we have AJ Styles & Ric Flair facing off with Abyss & Hulk Hogan. The match may suck, but they will still draw a crowd just for the name value of Hogan and Flair. Before we get to the big night we still have one more episode of Thursday Impact to get through, so let’s get to the Impact Zone!

We start the show with a recap of the Abyss/AJ Styles feud including the double teaming from Ric Flair and AJ Styles and Hulk’s failed rescue attempt. Abyss then makes the save for Hulk, who announces the previously mention tag match for the big live show. I love the fact that Jeff Hardy & Awesome Kong are still in the opening video, especially Hardy who we haven’t seen since the January 4th episode.

1. AJ Styles & Ric Flair head to the ring along with some local strippers. Flair says he’s overwhelmed by the talent of AJ Styles, but the reason they came to the ring is because of last week. Flair calls Hulk to the ring on the premise of apologizing and giving Hogan a gift. Who smells a set up here? Obviously not Hogan as he makes his way, slowly, to the ring along with Abyss. Hulk in the ring on Monday is going to be painful, for him to wrestle and the viewers to watch, as Hulk walks so gingerly to the ring. Flair asks if this can be a peaceful confrontation, and asks if they can talk. Flair says he will set up Hogan with their hos, so now Flair is the Godfather? Although I’d love to see Flair dressed in Godfather’s outfit with the big hat, which would be funny. Hulk says he doesn’t want Flair’s Viagra, and says he made an oath not to get in the ring, but after what they did to him last week everything has changed. Hulk says in four days he and Abyss will take Flair and AJ to school, but he has one question for them. Hulk asks what are they gonna do, and Abyss says when Hulk Hogan and Abyssamania run wild on you. Flair says two years ago he retired on the highest note possible, but if Hogan really wants Flair he’s ready for it. Flair says he never beat Hulk on national TV, but it will happen. AJ steps in and says after everything he’s done for the business, and when he wrestled he was king but times have changed. AJ looks like a mini beside Hogan; seriously, he looks tiny next to the Hulkster. AJ pushes his luck by patting Hulk on the shoulder, and Flair wisely backs off. AJ and Flair leave and tell Hulk and Abyss they’ll see them Monday. This brings out Eric Bischoff who says AJ has business to take care of tonight, as he is defending the title against Abyss, Pope and Desmond Wolfe tonight in a fatal four way. We go to JB with Desmond Wolfe and Chelsea, Desmond makes a penis joke which goes over like a wet fart in church. Desmond says when someone closes a door in his face he kicks it open and will do whatever it takes to win a match and the title tonight. Wolfe puts over AJ Styles as a model champion, and says AJ is the man to beat but tonight he doesn’t need to beat AJ, he can beat Pope or Abyss to win the title. Chelsea says she wants Abyss’ ring and both of them should have new gold tonight, Desmond says consider it done as what Chelsea wants, Chelsea gets. We go to Eric again, who makes a dated XFL joke, as Chef Jarrett arrives in the office. Jeff says last week at catering people called his burgers the best in TNA history. Jeff says he won’t go anywhere, and Eric says he’s glad he has a good attitude and he’s happy that Jeff is such a good employee. Jeff asks if we can get back to TNA business, and Eric says things are stopped up in TNA, Jeff is going to be a plumber now, lame. Eric says he walked in the men’s room and Jeff’s name flashed in front of him, as he hands Jeff a plunger. The fans are going to need hip boots to wade through all this shit TNA is spewing lately, as this is just stupid now. So now he’s Janitor Jeff Jarrett that is so original. Next week he can be a popcorn vendor maybe?

2. Motor City Machine Guns v. Generation Me v. Beer Money Inc v. Matt Morgan & Hernandez. Hey the Guns get to be on TV, that’s a surprise, what next Taylor Wilde? I still can’t tell who’s who in Generation Me, maybe if they had more TV time. I’d say Morgan and Hernandez need a team name, but no point as I expect them to be broken up by May. Matt walks in front of Hernandez as they come down the ramp. We start with Sabin & Jeremy, as Sabin with an armbar and Jeremy flips out, as they do a series of flips and counters. Shelly tagged in and a nice double team from Guns on Jeremy for a near fall. Shelly stands on Jeremy’s hand, and then back to an armbar, but Jeremy fights out and tags in Max who comes in off the top on Shelly’s arm. Jeremy back in from the top on the arm, as they work the arm of Shelly, who fights back and tags in Sabin. Sabin ducks under Jeremy and nails Max, Generation Me with a double team that fails on Sabin, as Hernandez tags himself in. Max moves and catches Hernandez, Max off the top and Hernandez catches him and presses Max over his head and drops him. Hernandez goes for the slingshot but Morgan tags himself in. Morgan lifts Max with one hand as Jeremy comes off the top and Morgan has both. Morgan catches Storm with a big boot then chokeslams both Generation Me and gets in Hernandez face. Morgan turns into a superkick from Storm and Roode rolls him up for the pin. 5/10 way too short for a four team match as BMI barely got in the match. Very disappointing match I was expecting a lot more from that. Hernandez stands over Morgan as we go backstage to Eric, of course, with Sean Morley. Eric says he just can’t break Jarrett and has decided that Jarrett is in a match tonight, falls count anywhere, no dq match against Sean and tells Sean Jeff is in the men’s room. Eric tells Sean to finish this for him and sends Sean after Jeff as we see Jeff mopping the floor. Now over to Hogan as Kurt enters his office, Kurt says he has a problem and wants AJ this Monday. Kurt says Hulk has done more for this company then anyone else, and Hulk tells Kurt he laid the groundwork. What about the guys who’ve been there since day one like Storm, Styles, Sabin, Daniels, etc? Angle asks to take Hulk’s spot in the match, and Hulk says this is his last shot and he needs to get past them. Hulk says he needs to earn the respect and Kurt shakes his hand and tells Hulk to be careful. We now get the first of what will probably be many vignettes of Mick Foley’s etiquette school, time to hit fast forward. I sat through this first one and it was dumber then a five pound sack of stupid, skipping any of the others.

3. Sean Morley v Jeff Jarrett. Should I count this as a match, it’ll probably get more time then the tag match? Morley tells the ref to ring the bell, so he pretends to, and they get in the bathroom. Morley punches Jarrett and tosses him headfirst into the door. Morley pounds on Jarrett, as one of them is swearing. Morley rams Jeff shoulder first in the wall and gets a near fall. The ref tells Jeff it’s a match, as Morley tosses Jeff into the door, then slams the door on Jeff’s arm repeatedly. Sean then covers Jeff in a very gay fashion for the win. 3/10 well, that was pretty stupid. We go to Christy Hemme with the Pope, Hemme looks hot tonight, and Hemme says that Pope injured his Achilles tendon. Is that supposed to be a knock on Edge? Pope calls Styles the Nature Crap and says they tried to put him down, but he’s still there. Pope says his doctor can’t be happy he’s back, as Christy mentions the four way match, and Pope says he digs the Hulkster. Pope says he has plans for Lockdown, but tonight he will leave with the title, as he threatens to pimp slap banana nosed Flair.

4. Doug Williams v. Rob Terry. So this is our second non-title match, as the tag match was non title too. Rob gets right in the face of Doug, who slaps him, Terry shoves Doug back. Terry press slams Doug and locks in a bearhug, Williams fights out and comes off the ropes. Terry hits a jumping leg lariat and goes for the running powerslam, but Williams shoves him in the corner. Williams charges in and eats a big elbow, Terry hits the spinebuster for the win. 2/10 another match that was way too short, but with Terry in the ring that’s a good thing. Suddenly Brutus attacks Terry from behind and hammers the big man down. Brutus tells Doug to get up and hold Terry, which he does as Brutus hits a big boot. We go backstage to Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff, as Eric grabs Jeff from behind. Jeff asks if he’s happy and Eric tells him to hit him. Jeff says he’s sick of this crap and Eric says Jeff wanted a match he got a match. Jeff says he wanted a match but not in the bathroom, Eric tells him he’s picky. Eric says you want a match in the ring, you have one tonight. We now see Ken Anderson coming to the ring.

5. Ken Anderson comes out via Kurt Angle’s elevator in Angle’s outfit with a bald wig on. Anderson says he is the greatest wrestler in the world today, it’s real, and it’s damn real. Anderson continues by saying he’s the most injury prone wrestler today, how true is that about Anderson. He jokes he broke his neck for the 17th time, and says once he broke his neck tying his shoe. Anderson says one time taking a dump he pushed too hard and broke hard and broke his neck, and then says one time in band camp…but enough about that. Anderson says he has some serious stuff to talk about, as he continues his Angle impersonation. Anderson makes fun of Angle’s medal and calls it a ploy to get sympathy, and this brings out Angle. Angle comes in the ring and hammers Anderson. Angle with a series of clotheslines and Anderson bails out. Angle follows, but Anderson throws a drink in Angle’s face. Anderson tosses Angle in, and pulls the straps down, ala Angle. Anderson hits the Angle Slam on Kurt, then pulls off the bald wig and snaps it in Angle’s face. Anderson pulls off the medal from Angle’s neck and leaves with it. We see Abyss walking the hallways and runs into Hogan. Abyss tells Hulk he’s not proud of it, but he didn’t have a good childhood and needs to get things off his chest. Abyss says when he was a little boy his mom wouldn’t let him watch TV, but he used to find a way to turn the TV on and see Hogan. Abyss says he begged to see Hulk, and his mom surprised him by buying him a ticket to see Hogan. Abyss says he has Hulk’s back, but last week when he was laying in the ring seeing the blood pouring down Hulk’s face affected him. Abyss says the ring encompasses all the Hulkamaniacs around the world and he can do this alone, as Hulk tries to stop him. Hulk says they are one and Abyss has the same blood running through their veins and what happened was not Abyss’ fault. Hulk tells Abyss now they are aligned nothing can happen to Hulk, because Abyss will protect him. Hulk says he knows he’s safe because all of Abyss’ power will protect him and they are one in the ring Monday night. Hulk and Abyss then embrace, as they channel their inner Billy and Chuck! We now get a Beautiful People recap, why are the Knockouts only getting one match a week? We see Angelina Love in a photo shoot earlier today and then attacked by the Beautiful People. Velvet whips Angelina with a belt while Lacey holds her arms, Lacey says she’s had enough and Velvet snaps on her. They leave Angelina laid out.

6. Angelina Love heads to the ring. Wow, Angelina looks hot, as she grabs the microphone and calls out Velvet Sky and says she is not leaving till she gets out there. Velvet comes out spinning the belt over her head, I bet we get a strap match either Monday or the PPV. Velvet taunts Angelina on the ramp, and Angelina goes after her. Angelina rams her into the guard rail and we get a nice ass shot of Velvet. Angelina pounds on Sky, and is relentless now as she tosses her in the ring. Angelina sends her into the ropes and hits the pump kick and then goes to grab the belt. Here comes Madison and Lacey, and Angelina whips Madison, but Lacey nails Angelina with the ugly stick as we have a three on one beat down. Lacey and Madison hold her while Velvet whips her again. So, no one even bothers to save Angelina? Hulk Hogan in his office as some guy comes in the office and tells Hulk he can’t even get out of the chair, and even calls him Terry. Oh, it’s Bubba, why does this piece of shit still have a job and Kong is gone? Way to stand behind your talent TNA, Bubba keeps calling Hulk, Terry and tells him he doesn’t need to wrestle. Bubba says Hulk promised not to wrestle again, I bet we get a bait and switch on Monday and Hulk doesn’t wrestle. Maybe that’ll be the rumored RVD debut in his place?

7. Tyson Tomko v. Jeff Jarrett. Well, this would be a main event in any high school gym or moose lodge! They lock up, and Tomko with a side headlock gets shot in and comes back with a shoulderblock. Tomko begins to work on the ‘injured’ shoulder of Jarrett now, as Jarrett tries to fight back. Tomko sends him to the corner, but misses the charge. Tomko gets an elbow in on Jeff and continues to work the shoulder. Jeff fires back with a series of rights, but Tomko grabs the injured arm again. Jeff nails an enziguri followed by a rope choke, but gets caught coming off the ropes as Tyson nails a big clothesline for a near fall. Tomko stomps the shoulder of Jeff and now has a key lock and Jeff makes the ropes. Tomko with a flying armbar takedown gets a near fall, as Tomko goes back to a key lock on JJ. Jarrett fights out with a series of rights and gets a kick on Tomko, but runs into Tomko who lifts him up. Jeff counters into a DDT and hammers the head off Tomko, but Tomko comes back with an inverted atomic drop. Tomko drives the shoulder in the corner; however Jeff is able to roll him up for the win. 2.25/10 a boring match, this storyline is falling apart faster than a wet slice of bread. Back to Eric again with Hogan, as we get out 5,234th appearance of Eric tonight, or it just feels like it. Eric now tries to talk Hulk out of the match this Monday, and Hulk says if he doesn’t do it what chance does TNA have against WWE. So the rest of the roster is meaningless compared to Hogan, at least that’s the impression they are giving. Hulk says this is make or break and he never wanted to get to this point, but they boxed him in. Eric says he’s with Hulk no matter what he decides and he won’t give another word.

8. Abyss v. AJ Styles v. Desmond Wolfe v. D’Angelo Dinero. Well, the main event is being given a whopping eight minutes of TV time, unless we have more of the compelling Nash storyline after the match. AJ & Pope start the match, as Pope limps to AJ who quickly opens up on him, but Pope with a short arm clothesline. AJ sweeps the leg and Pope kicks him off and tags Abyss, while AJ tags Wolfe. Wolfe goes for the sunset flip, but Abyss sits on him and readies for the chokeslam, AJ off the top and Abyss catches him, but they fight off the chokeslam. They go for a double team, but Abyss takes both down. Abyss hits a side slam on Wolfe for a pin attempt but Styles breaks it up, as all four in the ring. Pope clotheslines AJ out while Abyss sends out Wolfe as we go to commercial. We come back and AJ and Pope in the ring, while Abyss and Wolfe on the floor. Abyss misses a charge and hits the post, while AJ misses a chop and Pope nails him, but Flair grabs Pope’s ankle. Pope distracted and AJ hits a chop block, and while the ref is distracted Flair hammers the ankle of Pope with a steel chair. AJ applies a figure four leg lock on the Pope, where the hell is Desmond Wolfe? Pope trying to fight through the pain and the ref finally stops the match. 5/10 was good while it lasted. Well, that lasted about four minutes, nice main event TNA. Desmond rolls in, where was he ten seconds ago, and gets in AJ’s face. AJ & Flair continue to hammer Pope, and Desmond joins in as they triple team The Pope. Abyss slides in the ring as AJ sends Pope out, and Abyss takes out Desmond and AJ, meanwhile Flair finds the barbed wire bat under the ring and hammers Abyss. They now triple team Abyss, and here comes Hulk, slowly to the ring. Hulk nails Flair, as AJ bails out, Hulk cracks Flair with the bat and Desmond bails. Flair gushes blood everywhere as Hulk hits him with the bat again and accidentally drops it. Flair begging off, as Hulk continues to pound The Nature Boy. Security tries to stop it and Hulk and Abyss take out security as we go to commercial. We come back and Hulk has the mic and says that’s just an example of what’s going to happen on Monday. Hulk says Flair and AJ will be history; Pope has the mic now and wants the three of them in the ring. I bet it changes to six man maybe, thus really limiting Hulk’s ring time?

Match Recap:

1. Morgan & Hernandez beat Motor City Machine Guns, Generation Me & Beer Money Inc 5/10

2. Sean Morley pinned Jeff Jarrett 3/10

3. Rob Terry crushed Doug Williams 2/10

4. Jeff Jarrett pinned Tomko 2.25/10

5. AJ Styles beat Pope, Desmond Wolfe & Abyss 5/10

Another TNA episode ends and it just felt like a whirlwind of nothing. There was nothing memorable or exciting, just a quick series of little things. None of the matches got sufficient time, and there was as always way too much Eric Bischoff. They spent two weeks building up Daffney and for what? We didn’t see her or even a mention of her all night. In fact we had no Knockout match at all tonight, just a brawl with TBP. Since January 4th the Knockouts have had little to no time on TV, and it sucks. So far the Hogan era of TNA has been shitty, as everything is just crash TV. We had about 50 segments, and almost all of them were under five minutes, and Eric is in every quarter hour. TNA needs to slow the show down, focus on the in ring talent and give time to build good matches, otherwise Monday night’s will be the end of TNA. I still think they are going to change Monday’s main event to either a six man tag, or pull Hulk at the last minute. Maybe do a fake injury to write him out and Abyss goes out alone, only for someone to come out as a surprise partner, RVD? Either way it should be an interesting Monday night.

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