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Monday Night RAW: Avoid this show at all costs!!!

Monday Night RAW – January 18, 2010

Welcome to a new week of recaps, this week’s Monday Night Raw is being hosted by the former star of Miami Vice and Nash Bridges, Don Johnson. Not sure I understand the reason behind him being guest host, but considering they have Jerry Springer hosting soon, there seems to be no rhyme or reason behind these hosts. Before I start the RAW recap, I just have to say, is 24 not the best show ever or what? The last two nights have been an amazing start to another great season, just hate the week long wait between episodes, but I digress. I also read that the WWE released Eric Escobar last week, was never a fan of the guy, but it’s too bad for him. It’s always sad to see anyone released, but worse when they’re young and will only be remembered for being Vickie’s boytoy. With all of that out of the way, let’s get to this week’s episode of RAW.

  1. We open this week’s episode of Monday Night Raw with the Chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon. As Mr. McMahon makes his way down the ramp, we get a recap of Bret Hart getting kicked in the coconuts by Vince from two weeks ago. Vince has the microphone and starts out by saying life is about decisions, as he says they’re all tough decision when you run a business. Vince says he made the decision to humble Bret Hart, whose Vince think he is the Iron Sheik, only the Sheik can humble someone right! Vince says he did it for the fans, because they want to remember Bret for what he was. As he says now Bret is a humble, broken down old work horse that needs to be put down. Vince continues by saying its decision when to put them down, as he compares the wrestlers to old chewed up gum. Wonder how much of this is his own real opinion of his workers? Vince compares Bret Hart to gangrene and says he has to chop it off before it spreads through the body, love his analogies tonight, very graphic. Vince says the crowd wants more action, and more grandeur, as he says he didn’t make the decision, the fans did. Suddenly we hear the gong of the Undertaker, and the lights flicker. Vince may not be wearing clean underwear at this point, as Undertaker makes his way, slowly of course, to the ring. So, maybe Undertaker v. Shawn, with Bret in Shawn’s corner and Vince in Undertaker’s? This frees up Triple H so he can win his title back, since you know he can’t stand not being champion. Undertaker slowly walks around the ring, as Vince says he wants a word with Undertaker, Vince says he’s not done talking yet and Undertaker interrupted him. Undertaker responds by saying it’s his time now, as Vince gulps as only Vince can do, and he’s here to address Shawn Michaels. Undertaker says first he wants to tell Vince something his own ego won’t admit, as Undertaker says there is not many left that are still there from Montreal, but he saw the whole thing. Undertaker says he saw the fear in Vince’s eyes then, and the fear in his eyes now, Undertaker continues by saying Vince screwed Bret Hart, not once but twice and now he’s scared of the consequences. Undertaker tells Vince what he did was the act of a coward, as he stands over Vince, who responds by saying he disagrees with Undertaker and quickly backs out of the ring. Undertaker says stubbornness, anger and denial are not just the attributes of Vince McMahon, but also Shawn Michaels, as he reminds fans that one year ago Shawn claimed he was going to end Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak. He says Shawn may be Mr. Wrestlemania, but the streak is still intact, as he mentions that Shawn wants a rematch at Wrestlemania. Undertaker gives his answer regarding the match, but first wants Shawn to come to the ring, which Shawn does, slowly and cautiously. Shawn comes in the ring and stands face to face with The Dead Man and says here he is anxiously awaiting his answer. Undertaker responds by saying no one has come closer to beating him, but Shawn still failed and a rematch will only result in the same. Undertaker says he has nothing to prove to Shawn Michaels, and his answer is no, to which Shawn starts to yell at Undertaker. Undertaker cuts him off and says if you think you can beat me, Undertaker will give him the opportunity tonight. Shawn’s response is no, Shawn wants the match, but only at Wrestlemania and Shawn says he realizes what he has to do now. Shawn says he has to enter the Royal Rumble, and win, then he can face Undertaker for his World Title at Wrestlemania. Undertaker guarantees he will be the Champion come Wrestlemania, and he tells Shawn winning the Rumble is his only chance for salvation. Shawn says he’ll see Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and the streak, the title and his soul will be Shawn’s.
  2. Sheamus v. Evan Bourne. Nice the Champion is in the opening match on RAW, when the hell has that ever happened. Seriously, can they give their champion just a little respect, I mean we he’s doomed at the Rumble but c’mon. As the bell rings, Randy Orton appears at the top of the ramp, as Sheamus pounds Bourne in the corner and follows up with a vicious clothesline. Orton slowly makes his way to the ring, as Sheamus gets distracted and Bourne catches Sheamus with a dropkick. Bourne to the top with the double knees for a near fall, but Sheamus catches Bourne coming in with a dropkick. Sheamus hits the pump kick and drags Bourne to the corner before nailing Bourne with the Celtic Cross, wasn’t that Finlay’s finisher’s name? DUD another quick squash of Bourne, who’s corn flakes did he piss in to be jobbed this much? Orton comes in the ring, as the crowd starts a chant of RKO, and gets face to face with the Champion. Sheamus reaches back for his title, and holds it high in the face of Orton, who just glares at Sheamus. Sheamus backs out of the ring, as the Viper continues to stare at Sheamus. We go backstage, because nothing is more important than Shawn Michaels walking backstage, and Shawn runs into HHH. As they start to talk, Don Johnson comes in and we get the mutual admiration society. Shawn leaves, and Triple H and Johnson talk about the other host, whoever he is, as Triple H says at Johnson showed up on time. Johnson finds the other guy, and turns him around and its Carlito dressed as Napoleon Dynamite, great joke about five years too late. Nice work WWE, way to stay on the cutting edge of entertainment. Vince probably thinks Don Johnson is still on Miami Vice too.
  3. Jack Swagger v. Mark Henry. We get a recap of Santino throwing Swagger out of the ring, as Swagger calls last week a fluke. Jack says he will throw out anyone who gets in his path, as challenges anyone again and tells Santino come out if you dare. Santino comes out dressed as Don Johnson, from the Miami Vice days as we get another outdated old joke, lame. Santino says he’s more than just a WWE superstar, he president of the Don Johnson Fan Club and he’s too busy to face Swagger, as he has a substitution, out comes Mark Henry. Swagger doesn’t look too impressed by this, as Henry comes out with a big grin. Swagger with a quick go behind and hammers Henry, but Henry shrugs him off. Mark picks up Swagger over his head, and press slams his to the floor to win. Not even a match, so not even bothering to rate it. That was a waste of time. 32 minutes into the show, we’ve had maybe 3 minutes of wrestling. We go backstage to a limo pulling up, as suddenly we’re watching Nitro! The limo door opens and out comes the Bella Twins and the other host, as he tells someone to stay in the limo, who the hell is this idiot?
  4. Justin Roberts introduces Don Johnson and the other guy, Jon Heder, whatever, as the Bellas do the only thing they’re good for, walking people to the ring. The Bella’s may look good, but they have the in ring talent of Sable. Don Johnson thanks the crowd, and Jon yells something about being movie stars. Don Johnson says tonight’s main event will feature D-X, and the other guy says D-X isn’t great and needs something new as  they plug some football guy. I’m rapidly losing interest in this crap; seriously, as he says he’s bring out a good friend of his, Miz. Well, at least now we have someone entertaining in the ring, can we get a real match tonight, or is that too much to ask? Miz thanks Jon and Don, and calls them real celebrities, in what parallel universe is that? Miz says he’s in the Royal Rumble, and starts to kiss Jon’s ass calling him a great star. Don Johnson mocks Jon, as Miz claims to respect Don and makes fun of his age. Miz says at one time Don Johnson was the hottest thing on TV, as he mocks Phillip Michael Thomas as the forgotten member of the show. Miz says he may have been Tubbs on Miami Vice, but here on RAW that guy is MVP. This is just falling apart quickly, as Miz makes fun of the crowd, and out comes MVP. MVP apologizes to Don for being stuck in the ring with these two idiots, and apologizes to the crowd as well, thanks MVP but apology not accepted, this sucks! MVP says he is in the Rumble, and his main goal is to throw out Miz, and says why wait and says he’ll throw Miz and Jon out now. MVP makes his way to the ring, and suddenly Big Show’s music hits and MVP stuck in the middle of Show and Miz. MVP goes after Miz, and Show with a big right hand knocks out MVP. Miz and Show get in the ring, and Show high fives Jon, as Jon asks why D-X gets to celebrate when the four of them should. Don Johnson says he wants no part of this, and leans on the ropes watching this disaster. Jon books D-X v. Miz & Big Show, great so Show gets to continue getting beat by D-X, what a waste of time this was. Jon jumps in the arms of Big Show, as Don Johnson shakes his head, and I agree. This show sucks so far, and with Cena/Kofi v. Legacy next, not looking like it’s going to get any better.
  5. John Cena & Kofi Kingston v. Legacy. Cena and Rhodes start out, and Cena tosses Rhodes across the ring, and Rhodes makes a quick tag. Cena nails DiBiase and gets him in the corner, does his usual corner clothesline/bulldog combo, yawn. Cena whips DiBiase in and DiBiase with a kick, and Rhodes tagged in. Rhodes stomps Cena, and puts him in his corner, while the ref is distracted DiBiase chokes Cena. DiBiase tagged in, while Rhodes holds Cena, DiBiase continues to pound Cena down as Kofi waits for the tag, and I wait for something interesting to happen. Cena with one punch, whips DiBiase in the corner, misses the charge and Ted with a clothesline for a near fall. DiBiase with a series of fistdrops, like his dad used to do, but misses the third and Kingston flies in. Kingston takes DiBiase down with a dropkick, double chop and then hits the Boom Drop. Kofi sets up for Trouble in Paradise, but DiBiase slides into the corner, so Kingston jumps on him, and then nails Rhodes. The distraction costs Kofi as Ted clotheslines him and tags Cody as we go to commercial. We come back to a double team on Kofi, followed by a dropkick from Rhodes for a near fall. Kofi tries to fight back, but Rhodes stomps a mudhole in Kofi and sends him into their corner. Rhodes with a big slam, but misses the kneedrop, Rhodes tags in DiBiase, who misses the corner splash.  Cody tagged in, nails Cena and the ref distracted leads to a double team on Kingston for a near fall. DiBiase sets Kingston in the corner, and tags DiBiase as they double team Kofi again. DiBiase locks in a chinlock on Kingston to slow the match down, but Kingston with a jawbreaker and almost makes the tag. Kingston with a belly to back Suplex and both men are down, and make the tag. Cena in with his generic offense on Rhodes, shoulderblock, belly to back Suplex, fistdrop but Rhodes counters the FU into a side Russian legsweep for two. Rhodes whipped into the corner, but catches Cena and goes for the bulldog, Cena pushes him off and hits FU, but Rhodes saves the match. Cena tags Kofi who hits a crossbody on Rhodes for the win. 1/5 that sucked seven layers of crap, the only good parts were when Kofi was in there, but even than the match was horrible. If it was anyone but Kofi, that would’ve been a dud. DiBiase helps Rhodes up, and he pushed DiBiase back and walks out of the ring as the announcers don’t even mention it, as they’re too busy kissing Cena’s ass. Great, now it’s Hornswoggle with Jon, Miz and Show as Triple comes up behind Jon. Triple H says Horny doesn’t like Jon, much the rest of the world, and then Horny challenges Jon to a match. Miz says not happening, HHH says let’s make it a six man, with Horny and Jon on their respective teams, this is just getting so much worse, seriously, just end this damn show now. I don’t even care at this point, this is garbage.
  6. Maryse & Alicia Fox v. Gail Kim & Eve. Thank God for Maryse to save this crappy show, damn does she looks smoking hot. Well two out of three look good, but only one has talent. This won’t even last three minutes I bet. As Gail & Maryse start out, and Gail rolls Maryse up, Gail looks nice in purple. Gail whips her in and hits a shoulderblock, followed by the missile dropkick for a near fall. Gail gets whipped in, and Alicia with a cheap shot, as Maryse sends Gail to the floor and Alicia cheapshots her again then throws her back in. Maryse with a nice backbreaker for a near fall, as Gail tries to turn it into a DDT but Maryse over powered her, as Alicia tagged in and they double team Gail. Gail tries to fight back, but Alicia with a backbreaker, but misses the scissor kick and blind charge, as Eve tagged in. Eve with some kicks, but gets caught running into a boot. Eve comes back with a pair of dropkicks and clothesline, followed by the impressive senton splash she does. Eve tossed in the corner, but Eve counters into a nice rolling armbar for the submission win in 3 minutes! 2.25/5 was what it was for a diva match, as best as can be expected so whatever. Still best match of the night, which says a lot for tonight’s show. We now see Steve Austin filming an episode of Chuck. Backstage to Don Johnson with Kelly, as Jon walks in breathing into a paper bag as he asks Don what is going on? Don asks what is he doing, and Jon asks him to take his place, and Don says no as Miz and Show come in. Show makes fun of Jericho, calling Miz a better partner as they promise to keep him safe. Don asks what they’re taking, and calls it a mistake, as once again Miz makes Miami Vice references which half the audience doesn’t get. Big Show has a robe for Jon, which says The Flame, Don rolls his eyes and walks away, and I don’t blame him. Michael and Lawler run down the card for the Rumble, and then backstage again as Triple H is with Vince. Vince says he is not a coward, and says he may call out Undertaker next week. Triple H says focus on Bret, not Undertaker, and asks why all the McMahon’s have to get the last word, as he tells Vince he’s backed in a corner now. Triple H says if he doesn’t call out Bret, people will think he’s a coward as Vince walks off as Shawn comes into the picture for their big match. D-X and Horny head to ring for what should be a pathetic match as we see Orton walking around backstage, does everyone just walk around backstage in front of the camera in case it comes on?
  7. Randy Orton v. Chris Masters. Well, at least Masters comes out with Eve; otherwise this is probably another squash match. This has been the worst RAW since last week’s! As the bell rings, Sheamus’ music plays and Sheamus comes out to the ring, as Orton with a headlock on Masters. Masters with a shoulderblock, but Orton comes back with the European Uppercut, countered to the Masterlock, but Orton slides out quickly. Orton whipped in the corner, but gets a boot up and runs into a powerslam from Masters. Orton catches Masters into the backbreaker, and readies for RKO. Orton goes for RKO, and Masters with the Masterlock quickly, and Orton struggles to make the ropes, as Orton slowly fades out, but just makes it too the ropes. Masters waits for Orton to get up, and Orton hits the RKO from nowhere for the win. 1/5 not quite a squash, but pretty damn close. Suddenly Sheamus hits the pumpkick on Orton and stands over Orton. Well at least Masters’ got some offense, as opposed to Bourne earlier. Fifteen minutes left, I think I can, I think I can. Next week guest hosts, two more people I’ve never heard of, as the D-List continues. Speaking of D-List, maybe they can get Kathy Griffin as a guest host, she’s probably not doing much of note. What about the Kardashians? At least Kim would be easy on the eyes! Well, time for the main event, let’s hope this is quick and painless. At least we didn’t have a Lawler match; surprising considering it’s from Tennessee tonight.
  8. Miz, Big Show & Jon Heder v. D-X and Hornswoggle. D-X and Horny come out with Don Johnson, as Don Johnson looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here, and I can’t blame the poor guy. We go to commercial while D-X dances around, and we come back to Shawn Michael pounding on Miz. Shawn chops Miz down and Miz able to leap over Shawn and hits a neckbreaker, as Jon is still wearing his robe. Miz stomps on Shawn, as the ref pulls the Miz back, while Don is still looking on, as Miz tags in Show. Show pummels Shawn, then picks him up from the mat into a backbreaker and then walks over Shawn as he tags in Miz. Miz chokes Shawn, and then hits a punt to the head of Shawn. Shawn no sells, and chops Miz in the corner, Miz whips Shawn in and runs into a big clothesline. Shawn slowly crawls over and Horny tags himself in, as Horny dropkicks Miz, but Miz clotheslines the little bastard down, and Heder tagged in. Heder removes his robe, and looks as pale as Sheamus. This is pathetic, as Heder kicks Horny down, but misses a corner charge and Horny bites him on the ass and tags in HHH. Heder slides out of the ring, and Don Johnson throws him back in. HHH punches Heder, but turns in the palm of the Show. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Shawn with Sweet Chin Music. Big Show falls right on top of Heder and Sweet Chin Music for Miz, as Horny tagged in and hits the tadpole splash on Heder for the win. DUD a complete and utter waste of time, and one of the worst main events in WWE history. Heder rolls out to Don Johnson, who helps him up the ramp, as D-X has the mic. HHH says he needs to talk to Shawn; this will be HHH heel turn I bet. HHH says Shawn need s to find another way to get that match with Undertaker, as Triple H says it’s not going to work out going after the title. Shawn puts his hand up, and starts to leave and Cena’s music plays, this is never ending. Cena steps over Show and comes in the ring, and says tonight’s a night of major announcements, as Cena has an announcement. Cena says he’s in this year’s Royal Rumble, yeah big surprise, as Cena says last time he was in the Rumble he won and this year he will do it again. Triple H starts to talk, as Big Show slowly climbs back in the ring and grabs a mic, Show says he has news too; he’s in the Rumble too. Show says the Rumble is designed for a Giant, so why haven’t you won it yet? Show suddenly kicks Triple H, and headbutts Triple H, Cena opens up on Show and hits a shoulderblock sending Show out of the ring. D-X then throws Cena out, but then Triple H nails Shawn out of the ring, and Triple H says he will win the Rumble. Mercifully the show finally ends, as that was a long arduous task to sit through.

Match Recap

  1. Sheamus squashed Evan Bourne DUD
  2. John Cena & Kofi Kingston beat Legacy 1/5
  3. Eve & Gail Kim beat Maryse & Alicia Fox 2.25/5
  4. Randy Orton crushed Chris Masters  1/5
  5. D-X & Hornswoggle beat Miz, Big Show & Jon Heder DUD

Five matches in two hours, two duds and two one’s, not a good night is an understatement. This was a complete and utter waste of time to watch. Every time I think RAW is getting better they throw out a show like this, which just completely sucked. Seriously, who wrote the script for this show and said “Yeah, this looks great”? When your best match is a subpar diva match, you know it’s a bad night. With one week to the Rumble, RAW really needs to step up as this was atrocious. I’ve said it before, are they even trying anymore? I hate to be so negative, but they gave me nothing to work with this week, and next week we have two people I never heard of hosting. At least Don Johnson was cool, ok 15 years ago, but for Vince that’s hip and fresh. Let’s just pretend this episode didn’t happen, and hope ECW hits a homerun. For now, I’m going back to my SNME’s, at least that’s some good entertainment!

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